Radiance

Last night, I felt particularly nasty inside - not physically, just mentally and emotionally. I stayed up late with my roommates in hope to get this nasty, tied up feeling out of my insides. Although it helped, I knew I needed something more. So today, as I was waiting for sacrament meeting to start, I prayed that might be comforted. I wanted to live this week like nobody's business, and I couldn't do that if my heart and mind were both out to lunch. I of course experienced drastic results. First of all, I have never learned so much in sacrament meeting. And second of all, I have never been able to appreciate sacrament musical numbers as much as I did today(no offense). The second musical number specifically impressed my heart - "Be Still My Soul." Really, the only lyrics I needed to hear were

"Be Still."

Those two words vibrated up my spine, and through my heart, and through my brain, and then back down my spine. It was so obvious. I needed to be still. My complete being needed to be still - body, heart, and mind. You see, I worry. A lot. You could define me as a worry wart. I worry about what other people think, natural disasters, throwing up, my health, my friends, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera. When I worry, my mind is a swirly mess of thoughts, and my heart becomes bogged down. The party going on inside of my body distracts me from the important things in life. And I just need to be still. This sounds selfish, but I realized that what I really needed to do was stop worrying so much about others and focus on myself. Let me explain. It's like what Dr. Seuss said:

"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind."

By focusing on being the best me ever, I get rid of all self-doubt, therefore I can be more self-reliant, and that way I can more readily serve others. Elder Robert D. Hales said:

"Only when we are self-reliant can we truly emulate the Savior in serving and blessing others."

Not only will I be more capable of serving others, but I will also be able to truly enjoy the life God gave me and all he created for me. In an e-mail from my Uncle, he said this:

" Sometimes I found in my own life that my own insecurities and self-doubts got in the way of pure, unadulterated enjoyment of the moment in which I was living.... It was often what stood between me and happiness."

This truly is a wonderful life. And I only have so much time. I can't afford to waste that time worrying or complaining or judging others. I need to fill it with rich, flavorful experiences. And that is what God taught me with those two words. Morgan Freeman said,

"Learning how to be still, to really be still and let life happen - that stillness becomes a radiance."

And that is my wish for myself and everyone else. That we may each become "a radiance." I pray that my soul may be still, that I might fill my life with colorful gratitude for God's beautiful creations - nature, people, music, experiences - that I might not be dulled by the grey and blacks of worry.

And that's what Jenny thinks.